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  • cogswellmatt77

Elliptical Career Path

Louie Anderson died a couple days ago. I enjoyed him. That's a simple way to put it. I liked his unique, pitchy voice and how authentic he seemed. I liked him recently in Baskets, but I will always love him for Goodbye Jumbo, Hello Cruel World. This was a memoir about his struggles with weight. I was a teenager when I read this book. I remember being moved by it and identifying with his struggle. It is one I still know all too well.

Since December 6, I have been to the gym 24 times. I've maintained a weight loss of 11.5 pounds. Although I do have stretches where I make wise decisions about food, my coping mechanisms and ways to spend my exorbitant time do make it a struggle to lose weight. I feel like I'm reshaping.

This isn't the greatest photo because of the flash and the mirror, but I couldn't resist the sign that read "Selfie Time." Although the number on the scale isn't drastically changing, I've read about some of the reasons why this could be true, and I have to believe that change will come. It's taken me some time to build up endurance. My time on the elliptical has increased, and I'm taking more steps within that time. I mostly work on the weight machines when not doing cardio. I manage around 50 to 65 pounds on arm machines, and I can push over 180 on leg machines. Yeah, I don't know their real names. My new favorite activity to do at the gym, though, is to push this baby.

In the fashion of football players in training pushing that heavy cart, I push this device back and forth across one section of the gym. I've worked my way up to 90 pounds plus the weight of the tool itself. Today I did 30 full-length (back and forth) repetitions. I've grown quite possessive of this space and can be irritated when people use that space. How dare they!

I was feeling good about my workout and my journey when I received some disappointing news. I had applied for a solo performer competition and was informed today that I was not one of the six finalists. This did not help all my recent beliefs that I have been in a far too competitive field for far too long. I was even up early in the morning, frustrated, and journaled that "I'm tired of trying" in terms of my artistic career. I've already processed that this particular method did not work out. I did get to connect to NYC professionals even if I'm not invited to keep playing this particular game.

In another futile attempt to grow my subscriber-less YouTube channel, I advertised various clips across my Facebook page and in three groups I belong to (other than Due Credit Productions). Based on history, I don't expect those actions to make much of a difference, but it's what I know. After doing this publicity stunt, I started to order Chinese food for delivery and almost pressed the purchase confirmation when I came to my senses. I have food in my apartment, and I ate that, which was a much smarter financial and health decision. I don't deprive myself of food I like, but I know that if I order for a delivery, I will buy too much and consume it all too quickly.

I feel like I need some more time away from "trying" so actively. The earlier journaling also referenced how so many of my artistic friends seem to be doing well and I'm just not moving forward. I fight against that compare and despair every day. At the end of this week, hopefully, the few people who took Part 1 of my workshop will show for Part 2. I continue one course and begin another course this week, getting paid, even if not all that well, doing what I enjoy. I guess that's my path for a while or at least for as long as they still offer online/remote classes.

I'll be okay. This is all part of the journey, they tell me.

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